Full Moon Feelings

TMJ

I used to paint and journal/write poetry all the time.  Then I stopped more or less.  A small painting here, a short journal entry there.  And my jaw, which had latent issues, became very painful.  I can't open my mouth completely.  It hurts my right TMJ when I yawn.  Sometimes in the morning it hurts to eat food.  It's been this way for about a year and a half but I started to notice soreness in my jaw long before that.  I've tried so many different approaches but I think my creative expression needs to happen for any healing to occur.  So here it is.......

Committing

I finally figured out how to have an art studio.  I moved all my sewing stuff into the dining room and made this space just for painting and drawing.  It's small but it will do.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now." -Goethe

Paintings From Last Night

Dan

Detail

Mother Nature

Florida Painting

I forgot to post this apparently.  I made this painting at my parents' house in FLA in early February.  I feel sort of meh about it.  I wish I could have done it in oils but oh well.  It was fun to do anyway.  

Kira

Ink on paper

Reemergence

For many, many years I considered myself an artist.  That was my identity.  After majoring in art I gave the artist life a shot and a few years in I felt rejected and done.  I could never sell my work consistently and my passion for working on 6’ dark and moody nude paintings did not help that endeavor.  However, I did not try very hard to find my audience either.  Looking back, working for an artist agent who will remain nameless hurt me the most.  I’d see how the cheesy talentless artists she represented sold the most work while the ones who really put their soul into it suffered immensely.  I see now that those artists were my mirror.  Perhaps I expected to suffer.  Perhaps success was too flattering and embarrassing.  Perhaps I was entitled. 

I don’t need to know the answer because the girl who stopped painting is no longer me.  I’ve changed and can’t understand her logic or feelings so closely anymore.  When I stopped painting on a regular basis I knew that I just had to. Assured by my knowing that I would eventually return to my passion of painting, I simply let it go.  Massage school fulfilled my intuitive and kinesthetic urges for the time being.  As I began to feel comfortable in my work as a massage therapist, the need for creative expression continued to rear its head especially as I began to open up more spiritually through Myofascial Release. 

Myofascial Release became my greatest passion and admittedly still holds its rank.  Myofascial Unwinding completely changed my life with its ability to not only connect me with my higher self but to allow me to be myself more and more each day.  During an unwinding the person expresses raw emotion.  Their body writhes sometimes so forcefully and dramatically that you know without a doubt that something, some being or some energy is moving it.  There is no conscious volition, no ego.  It peels back the unwanted layers that life has left heavy on our souls.  It takes you back in time, sometimes farther back than you can believe.  Somehow it unlocked my creative block.  I taught myself to sew and took a ceramics class.  Still leery of painting I kept it safe by painting on furniture and things like that.  When I did try to paint I found myself stuck in the same boring landscape technique.  So I kept painting in the later bin. 

Then my friend who is also deeply invested in Myofascial Release brought me to an art workshop at Melissa Harris’ studio in Hurley, NY.  My intention for the workshop was to heal my relationship with painting.  I let myself really feel the disappointment and hurt of my previous attempt as an artist.  On the drive there I cried as I talked about my perceived failures and felt myself young again.  It didn’t feel like the current “me”.  Then we got there and started painting.  It felt so fucking good.  I just can’t tell you how nourishing it felt.  My subject matter was more interesting and diverse because of the new experiences I have had and the widening of my own consciousness.  I also noticed a correlation between not painting and my mounting TMJ pain which has been getting better since the workshop.  I had a breakthrough during an MFR treatment the day before the workshop so I attribute much of it to that but that feeling that it is connected to my art and to sex (my creative abilities) can’t escape me.

So I’m back.  I know I’m back.  In what capacity I can’t say yet.  I’m sure there will always be an ebb and flow.  But I now know that this is part of my spiritual growth.  It is a part of me that I need.  I used to say that the reason I didn’t write sappy poetry or paint anymore was because I was more emotionally mature now so I didn’t need to do those things.  Well, I think that is bullshit and pretty egotistical of me to say.  So cheers to painting and to being vulnerable.  Cheers to feeling young again and all of its darkness and all of its light.  

Some paintings from the weekend workshop: